Worlds Apart

Bitterness burned deeply.

My hand was surprisingly steady as I laid the letter on the table before me, amidst the shards of glass from a broken picture frame that held a happier memory that had abandoned me. A beautiful smile and all curves and warmth, a rich laugh and bright eyes, I felt hollow and angry simultaneously looking at the woman I'd once held. Now she mocked me along with the letter, years of working toward a future that would now never be.

My whole life felt wrong, I couldn't quite put a finger on where it had first turned. Did it really matter? That well of despair was one I didn't want to plunge into again, all that led to was the cabinet on the other side of the room where I'd drink to forget. Cowardice, one I didn't indulge in because anytime soon the phone would ring.

The same familiar voice, my father asking me how things were and I would tell him things were fine. The pretense that I told himself I kept to spare him, I'd eventually turn it all around and he'd never know, I didn't want to disappoint him yet I knew that lying and being caught would disappoint him more. My brothers likewise, they would wonder again where I went wrong as well, I wondered for the thousandth time why they had done so well where I hadn't. Was I damaged?

No, that was just an easy way to not take responsibility for my own choices. And with no future, what now? Where would I go? Home? No, I would linger in the family home like a stain that would never wash away, the shame that was supported out of obligation . . . and love, which was worse.

I could always join the army, I was fit enough to enter and maybe they could straighten me out. That felt like the wrong reason, I wasn't even sure if I would last. Maybe mining country, it would be easy to lose myself there and maybe make enough money to come back later and make amends, if I didn't drink it all away.

Rising off the couch, glass cracked on the floorboard under my runners as I made my way to the cabinet and divested it of the largest bottle of bourbon I had. My home was simple and cheap, now stifled with it's mess from my own lack of care for months. I no longer let anyone in, then again, no one would come now.

Setting foot outside my home, I didn't even bother closing the door behind me as I unscrewed the bottle and took a swig. The burn was pleasant and followed by more, sickly warmth suffused me as I stepped onto the pavement and followed it down the street. Other homes with their neat gardens, some lights were out and others showed figures moving about in them. All warm and happy in their neat little lives, everything working out just fine for them. I felt like hurling my bottle through the window of one of those houses and seeing what happened when their picket fence life was upset for one moment but I didn't have it in me.

The park was a welcome sight at least, this place was so ordered that no one was out there at dark save for the odd couple of teenagers eloping for a dangerous kiss or holding of hands. Pines stood tall and whispered with the wind passing through the branches as I ambled beneath them, unknowingly developing a swaying motion as I sank more of the bottle down. Out of the house and away from others, it was the closest I came to peace now.

It was always the same place I came to, my little circle of peace. A small set of stones arranged about, probably by some children who played some careless innocent game. Nevertheless I felt something different here, the only place left that felt right. As if sitting down here as I did now allowed me to leave the rest of the world behind for at least awhile.

It wasn't long before I was finished the rest of the bottle. Hurling it into the treeline, I laid back on the wet grass as he looked up at the sky above as my head felt heavy. The moon was full tonight, large and bright as it seemed to hang low in the sky, so close yet so far away, just where I wanted to be. Far away from everything else, fa-

A flashlight?

Pushing myself up and holding a hand over my eyes, expecting to have to bolt as someone asked me what I was doing out here, I froze instead. Within the circle was something that could not be, a pulsating door of energy of a rosy hue. Perhaps I should have scrambled back but it wasn't going anywhere, there was a light hum but that was it.

Staggering to my feet I cautiously walked over to it, the heaviness in my head gone as I slowly inched my hand to it. Nothing, not even when I touched it. It didn't resist as I pushed my hand through it and pulled it back out. What was this?

A doorway that led elsewhere, but where?

Did it matter?

The thought was one that wouldn't go away. Maybe it went to a better place, maybe it went to a worse place, what mattered was that it was elsewhere. It had been a long time since I'd felt hope, maybe it was desperation, but did it really matter?

I stepped through.

- - -

An alien screech.

That was the first thing I registered as I awoke with a start. Disorientated, head throbbing, I scrabbled to my feet as I got my bearings. A circle of stones but not the ones I remembered, these were tall as a man, the trees were different as well, oak. What?

The screech again, whirling about was smart but it was also a mistake. People that were wrong, bulbous eyes and teeth, that was all I needed to take in before I realised they weren't people. I didn't hesitate.

I turned and ran.

Blood hammered through me as I ran hard, the sound of those creatures loping after me rather than running with the gait of a human. I was just glad that I had found the cobble road, I just needed to find some help. I could hear a woman screaming, there were people out here but whether they could help me was something else. Fear made me sober but it was making me move wonkily, it was like everything was out of place, or was that the gate's work?

How couldn't anyone else hear that woman screaming? Was there nobody nearby that would come and help them?

The trees opened up and my heart hammered as I realised there was nothing in sight, nothing but the road climbing up the hill and the screeching of those things behind me getting louder. I darted a quick look over my shoulder, four of them! I don't think I'd ever run so hard in my life, my legs were starting to quiver and my lungs shuddered as they tried to get enough air into them to keep my palpitating heart goin-

I almost stumbled at the sight.

Hooves echoed on the cobblestones as a horse crested the road ahead and a rider atop who was speeding towards me. With a sword in hand. A sword?! It was only the fear of the things behind me that kept me going forward, throwing myself off the road at the last moment as the man clad in chain mail neared.

I heard more than saw him crash into the creatures behind, their screeches of excitement turning to fear. Dragging myself onto my feet as I got back onto the road, there was no mistaking what he was. A knight. Where was I? Had I drunk too much? Had I lost my mind? One of the creatures lay on the cobblestones with it's head and an arm cleaved from it's corpse, the other two danced around the knight as he lay about with his sword, taking another through the skul-

Hitting the ground hard as something crashed into me, there was mistaking the teeth in my shoulder as I screamed and tried to reach back to get whatever was on my back off me with my free arm and to roll. Then my head was yanked back hard by the hair and the cobblestones were the last thing I saw.

 

My head hurt.

That was the first thing I felt, the second being a hand on my head. I couldn't have felt weaker as I tried to press against the strong hand that held me down and then it was gone as I focused my vision. A room with beds, wood walls and ceiling, an old man dressed in some weird white robe with a rope tied around for a belt. He was scratching his bearded chin as he asked me, "how are you feeling?"

"My head hurts." Pushing myself up didn't quite work as my hands slipped, when had I become an invalid? That was when it came back, the chase, those creatures, the knight who came, a woman screaming somewhere. My shoulder! Reaching for it, I was surprised to feel a bandage yet no pain. The old man smiled at me gently as he reached for the bedside table and handed me a cup of water. A wooden cup? I took it all the same and drank as he spoke.

"Sir Colvin was on the road during the night, tempting fate like a fool but his foolishness saved your life. You were half dead by the time he got you here but we managed to mend you though you slept all through yesterday and the night as well. You'll need a bit of time before you're properly on your feet but otherwise you'll be fine. I am Matthias, the healer and teacher in this village. Who are you and why were you out there in the night?"

This made no sense, I felt like I was in the middle of a bad medieval renaissance faire, minus the doth's and thou's. Handing the cup back, I rubbed my forehead as if that would somehow alleviate the pain as I answered, "Marcus Blacktower, and I wa-"

Oh no.

"Did Sir Colvin find a woman out there? I heard her screaming as I was running, those things didn't get her did they?"

The look on Matthias' face was indecipherable at first, like he was weighing me up. Placing the cup back on the table, he said simply, "there was no other woman. You came through one of the red gates, didn't you?"

"I did, but what do you mean no other woman? I heard her, I swear it." Matthias looked down and coughed. Following his gaze I lo-

I think my heart stopped.

"I." That was all I could manage as I took it in even as Matthias turned away. This wasn't me. The bandages that traced their way around my upper torso were sticking out but I could feel them. Running my hands down them they were decidedly not mine. Panicked, I shoved a hand under the blanket and what I found there definitely wasn't mine. Curling up reflexively into a ball, I hugged myself tight and could feel this body pressing together.

My body, not a suit or a mask, I could feel all of it, overwhelmingly aware of every extremity. I was barely able to take in Matthias' words as he spoke calmly. "It doesn't happen often, in fact it is quite rare. Some immortals who come from your world arrive and they change. I'm sorry Marcus, but there is nothing I can do to help you. There is a mirror in the drawer of the bedside table, when you are ready to look you should do so. I'll be outside in the herb garden when you are ready to talk, clothes are in the bottom drawer."

I was still trying to process it as I saw him open the door to the outside and close it behind him. Almost dumbly I reached for the drawer and opened it up to reveal the hand mirror. Taking it and holding it so I could see what had happened, I couldn't quite fathom it. It was me yet it was not, my face was softer and rounder yet there bits of me still in it. My eyes were still the same brown.

Yet my hair which had been short now came out long, and I had a fringe. No wonder the creature had taken grasp of it so easily. My ears were smaller, neater, the nose as well, my face was more heart-shaped than before. Tossing the mirror to the end of the bed, I looked over myself as I tossed the sheets back. My legs had once had dark curly hairs, now they were lighter and hard to see even though I could feel them. I was wearing some sort of night shift. Pulling it up confirmed what I had felt, I pushed it back down and pulled the blankets back up.

Everything whirled around inside of me, nothing made sense yet it felt real, one impossibility piled on top of another. No explanation, no answers, save that I was on a different world and here I was something very different altogether. All because I had decided to step through that gate, because I had wanted to get away as desperately then as I desperately wished to take it all back now.

Curling up on my side, I couldn't help it. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobbed and shook, trying to breath as it all washed over me at once.

 

"What do you mean I can't go back? There has to be some way."

Sitting on the low rock wall that partitioned Matthias' herb garden from the rest of the yard, I looked at the old man numbly as he shook his head at me from his seat next to me. "Not as far as I know. I could be wrong, but if one of your kind has found a way back then they have told no one else."

That was possible I guess, if I found a way back would I take the time to let others know? A hope, even if a small one, but that wasn't much use to me now. Looking down, I noticed my dress and probably for the thousandth time scowled. "How did this," I pointed to my dress, "happen?"

"Magic." I would have laughed if I hadn't emerged in a new world. "Somewhere between there and here, some people change. Sometimes it is their hair, their physical build, minor things. In some it is more major, like yourself. There are lots of ideas about why it happens, but that is all tied up in what you and others like you are . . . immortals, avatars."

"Avatars." That word felt right on the tongue, though I couldn't say why. "What does that mean?"

"It means that people like you age so slowly that people think you're immortal, you can also come back from death which also really unnerves people. Having said that, dying is unpleasant even if you can come back, I'd advise avoiding it if possible. You're called that because of the Avatar who once was."

"The Avatar? Who was that?"

Matthias smiled slightly as he looked out over the herb garden. "He, or she depending on the story, was the embodiment of what was good in mankind. At first the Avatar was known as the stranger, one who helped us overthrow the great evils that plagued our land. Then the Avatar was the one to show us that a life of decency and virtue was possible, even in the face of evils that would corrupt our land. The Avatar traveled to worlds other than this one, some say the Avatar even found a way home eventually. Others say the Avatar died to save us. It really depends on who you ask, history has a way of being what people make of it."

"I see." The Avatar had been to other worlds, maybe even returned to his or her own. Maybe there would be some clue in the Avatar that would give me a way back as well. "So how many avatars are there?"

"I do not know, most tend to hide their origins. Being an avatar, despite it's advantages, also has it's drawbacks. For the rest of the people in this world, you're also a bad sign."

That sounded ominous. "How so?"

"The Avatar only appeared when a great evil loomed, or some would say, caused the evils to appear. That was a single Avatar. Now there are many, all finding their way in the world and not all of them deserve to be called avatars." Matthias turned to me with a concerned expression. "I suggest you do not tell others here of where you came from, not everyone in the village would appreciate someone like you. Nor elsewhere for that matter, perhaps not even with other avatars. You should think about a new name, one that you wish to be known by. Also, what you plan to do with yourself."

"Do with myself? What do you mean?"

"Well you can't just be my patient forever, you're healed. You need to figure out what you want to do now that you're here, some settle down into trades while others take up weapons. Things that you need to figure out yourself."

A new name? That hadn't even occurred to me, it was a troubling thought as Matthias slipped off the wall onto his feet and dusted the back of his robe off. "I can stay at least a couple of days can't I?"

"Of course, I'm not going to throw you into the street. But you must decide soon, life might be long for avatars but it does not mean they should sit idle." That was a strange smile Matthias had, I might have asked why but there he was pottering about his garden once again.

He was right, I had a lot to think about. A new name, new life, new world.

Sure, I could come up with answers in a couple of days, real reasonable.

 

I'd not realised how long it had been since I last read a book.

It was all I had done for the past couple of days, apart from the basic necessities of course, read and read. I didn't finish the books, I just skimmed them where I could because I needed as much information as possible. Basic things like stories and legends, accounts of places, trying to figure out what jobs or opportunities there would be for me. I had feared that now being a woman would leave me under some medieval glass ceiling, that wasn't the case. There were even women warriors though there weren't that many of them, not that I intended to end up on some battlefield, I had no desire to be stabbed if I could avoid it. Memories of the other night were a vivid enough reminder that the dangers of this world were very real.

Speaking of which, Lurkers, the things that had attacked me, they had once been people? They'd looked nothing like that when they'd been chasing me, but there was magic again. When the moons of old collided and left the world shrouded in darkness, those that had been caught in the magic had been mutated and changed. Sounded like something out of a movie or D&D. Not to mention giant spiders and the like, what was fantasy back home was the reality here.

Maybe I should have paid more attention to D&D.

It was weird looking at the world, knowing it was so fantastical yet at the same time a developing world. The printing press existed, the books were too similar for it to be otherwise and Matthias had confirmed as much. There were other things as well, signs that this world was changing from a sword and sandal affair. Magic and science, it was little wonder that science had been so slow. Science had always been a way to compensate for lack of control over the world, magic had filled that niche in it's place.

But not everyone had magical talent, I wondered if I did? Probably not, but in the stories the Avatar had used magic. Magic that had allowed the Avatar to cross worlds, if the Avatar could then perhaps I could too. I'd need to find a place that had that information and enough money to support myself. The town of Owl's Head wasn't so far away, I'd have to set out that way once I had everything I needed for the journey. Money, definitely clothing of my own, food, decent boots, some sort of weapon to defend myself.

Training to use that weapon. It always became more complicated every time I thought it over. How was any avatar meant to just arrive and st-

"You look frustrated."

Starting at the voice, I turned to find Matthias smiling at me as he handed over a plate of vegetables. That was something else I was noticing, the lack of meat in meals. I got the feeling that Matthias wasn't a simple vegetarian, rather that meat wasn't so abundant in a world where cattle were produced in absurd numbers. Setting my book aside, I had a question on my mind as Matthias took his seat.

"Your Avatar according to these books doesn't seem right. I thought you said that the Avatar was the embodiment of good in mankind?"

"That is what the stories say," agreed Matthias amiably as he began to eat lunch.

"The Avatar is meant to be virtuous, yet the Avatar in the stories breaks the rules. The Avatar kills, the Avatar even lies on occasion. How can an Avatar lie and still be virtuous when they are being dishonest?"

"Hmm." Finishing the bit of roasted potato he was eating, Matthias sat his fork down and looked at me. "Let me ask you a question. Lets say you were a soldier, fighting hard with your fellow soldiers and one of your companions runs away. That exposes several of your other companions to greater danger and the one who runs away is jumped by several enemies. Do you go to the aid of the one who panicked or leave him to fight alone?"

What a bizarre question. "Leave him to fight."

"Why?"

"Because he endangered the others, he abandoned everyone. He chose himself over everyone so his fate is his own."

"So it was poetic justice? Would it still have been moral to save him from the enemy though?"

Cocking my head at home, I slowly answered, "I guess. Why?"

"Because virtue is not what we tell children it is. We tell children to never lie, never steal, but what happens when we keep the truth to ourselves to spare someone grave harm? Or steal so that we and those who depend on us may live? People say it is difficult to choose between right and wrong but it is only difficult for weak people. What is truly difficult is when we are faced with two moral choices that are either both good or both bad. Virtue in principle is simple, virtue in practice is complex."

"For example, a man lay dying and only his daughter is there to comfort him. He does not know that his daughter is not actually his, do you tell the man the truth of it as he holds onto that thin sliver of mortality or do you keep the knowledge to yourself so that the man may die without the love for and from his daughter shaken?"

My first reaction was to be silent, but then didn't the man have a right to know the truth while he still could? And the daughter if she did not know? "I don't know."

"That is the first step towards wisdom." Matthias smiled at me approvingly. "The Avatar was virtue in harmony and balance, it isn't perfect and it is constant, to be the Avatar was a constant striving that never ceases. Virtue in all things, balance in all things, someone could be filled with courage and bravery but untempered by mercy or love and that is not what the Avatar was. That is why the stories are contradictory, the circumstances shape the response."

That seemed too easy, as long as something had a good moral outcome then it was moral. "So sometimes I can lie and sometimes I cannot? That seems a little easy as long as I can come up with a reason to justify it when it is convenient."

Matthias raised his eyebrow in reproof at me as he responded, "virtue requires self-discipline and honest thinking. If you are dishonest with yourself then you can justify anything, virtue requires intention."

Frowning, I pointed to one of the books on the table. "If virtue is so important, why isn't it law?"

"It was tried, once." Matthias looked thoughtful as he explained. "Virtue as law and punishments for those who did not obey. More people acted virtuously but it was no longer virtue. There is nothing praiseworthy in the actions of those who act out of fear, virtue is a choice. Laws govern society, virtue comes from the individual. As someone who is an avatar, it might be worth your time to ponder that more."

Nodding after a moment, I turned to my meal in silence. I wasn't sure I agreed with him, principles were meant to be inviolable. That was the point of them being principles, they weren't meant to be observed only when convenient. Sure they might clash at times, but choosing one over the other didn't mean they were balanced, that was a choice. The Avatar didn't make sense, or what the Avatar meant as far as I went.

 

"Are you sure about this?"

Matthias looked worried but he needn't have been. It was time to go and Matthias had been generous enough to help me get the things I needed for my journey. A couple of simple dresses, one of which I now wore along with better fitting boots. A walking stick that I could thwack things with if I were desperate though I was more likely to run, a backpack with some food, a waterskin and a pouch with a few coins he was able to spare sitting in there. A cloak for when the day came to a close and it became colder. A leather thong to tie my hair back into a simple ponytail so my hair wasn't in my face.

I felt utterly destitute, everything I owned in this world I had on me and all of it due to the good grace of the old man before me and a knight who had saved me that I didn't even know. In hindsight it was easy to see how things could have been very different without their help.

"I am. Thank you, Matthias, thank you for everything." Smiling, I figured why not. Leaning over I gave him a hug, he was the only person I actually 'knew' in this world. Hugging felt awkward with this body but I'd get used to it I supposed as I stepped back from him. "If I'm to figure out what I'm meant to do I need to be able to support myself, as you said. I'm more likely to find both work and more information on how to get home somewhere larger, somewhere like Owl's Head."

"Take care of yourself, Matthias."

"And you, Marcus." The old man still looked worried, then confused as I laughed.

"Not anymore. Seraphine Blacktower, or Sera for short. If I must play the part, I can at least have a pretty name."

That got a smile out of the old man as he nodded, "I suppose so. Walk in virtue, Seraphine, may you find the answers you seek."

Smiling at him, I turned and started walking down the path that would lead me from Matthias home and soon from the village. The morning sun was a blessing but I knew I would have to make the most of it. Owl's Head was some distance away and while the sun would mean it was safer, safe had proven itself a relative term in this world.

 

I am so unfit.

Midday and I am already struggling, I hadn't even done that much running! It was hard to tell whether it was because my body had changed since I had come across to this world or whether it was everything I had done to my old body beforehand. I think it was more the former, at least I like to think so, I hadn't had the urge to drink since I'd come across. I guess I hadn't really had the time, not to mention the cash, wait, coin. That was going to take getting used to.

There was something new about this though, serene. As much as I missed home, my world was now very uncomplicated. I had no one I knew to worry about running into, my aims were simple. I just had to be able to sustain myself and get from one place to the next. All the while I could take this in, the road was little more than a dirt track with tall grasses that reached my knees bending in the breeze. Trees took root where they wished, so different from the gardens and parks I knew. There was something sad about the thought that I had no real comparison from Earth to make to this. Had my eyes really been so blind? Maybe when I was younger I saw things this way, but then those memories were dim.

Maybe I was more aware because I was alone and knew that I couldn't rely on the world to keep me safe the way the old one had. Law was law, it found everyone eventually because there were too many people and too little space, this world felt like the opposite. That if you wanted to and could support yourself that you could simply disappear. No crew of forensics experts to come by if you were stabbed to death, lifting fingerprints and the like. I'd have thought to myself I only had one life but according to Matthias that wasn't the case, it still wasn't something I wanted to te-

I almost fell over as the roar not only rolled across me but through me. Looking around blindly, a second roar had me looking upward and that had me running for my life. Glistening scales and great wings with the head of a serpent, I'd read up on what I could find and a Dragon was not what I wanted to be noticed by. Getting under the first tree I could find, I sank next to a trunk as I looked up, praying to whatever was listening that it hadn't noticed me.

Luck was with me today, there was no great dive to me or balls of fire flung at my tree. It simply wheeled about in the air, occasionally crying out as it lazily cut through the air. It was predominantly an angry red, though it's edges were tinged with green. Maybe it was younger and growing out of it's older scales? It was an idea as I watched it as it suddenly wheeled to the south and made it's way out of sight.

This world had some wonderful things to see, but having said that I couldn't shake off the feeling that one of those strange things was going to kill me more than once some day. A thought quickly forgotten as I got back on the road.

 

Owl's Head.

The castle was the first thing I noticed, or maybe it was a fort, clearly rising above the wooden palisade that surrounded the town. There were other buildings to be sure but none quite so big, to think this was the closest thing I'd come to a real city. It looked so small compared to what I had once known, yet here this was a real piece of civilisation. It just remained to be seen whether the people themselves were civilised.

It was an easy amble down the slope in the afternoon sun, something I was thankful for. My feet hurt like hell in these new boots and I'd discovered the utter woefulness of my body, I was definitely going to do something about that once I'd found a place to stay. I'd once played half a dozen different sports, I was fairly sure I'd die after the first five hundred metres in a pool now if not well beforehand. Not good enough.

The palisade loomed as I neared, the gates attended by a pair of guards with metal and leather wreathed about them. One seemed fairly young, I really did not like the way the greasy haired stump looked at me but the older one with grey through his hair had a more honest look as he waved with his free hand in greeting. "Well met, traveler, welcome to Owl's Head. What is your name and business?"

That was jarring, it hadn't even occurred to me that I would be questioned when I arrived. Putting on my best smile I answered, "Seraphine Blacktower. For the moment my business is a place to stay and get something to eat, if you could suggest a place?"

"Head toward the centre of town, our local inn is there. Its just recently been bought by someone and it doesn't have a name or sign yet, just keep an ear out for a lot of people and follow the smell of the food there and you'll find it."

"Thank you?"

"Marsten."

"Thank you Marsten, have a good day."

"And you."

Forcing myself to nod politely at the younger man, I really did not like his look at all as I swept past. Maybe that was what a leer was, no wonder most women didn't like it, it felt greasy. But that was quickly forgotten as I took in the town, it was certainly different. The buildings were taller than those of the village for one, hell, one of the houses was a damned tree. No doubt someone suitably strange lived in there.

Closer to the centre was where I found what I was after. The noise and the smell, I'd found the place I was after. I'm just glad that as I pushed the wooden door open as I slipped inside that I didn't attract that much attention. The bar was the place to be and the man behind it didn't look like a slouch, if anything he looked like the stereotype of a smith with big arms and shoulders along with a big braided beard of snow, a contrast to his bald head.

"Well met, stranger. What can I get you?"

"A meal would be good, a room for the night as well." Watching as he hollered orders to the kitchen, I leaned forward as he turned around again. "Also, if you knew of any work here I'd be grateful."

"Looking to stay in Owl's Head for awhile?"

Smiling brightly at him, I nodded. "Maybe longer if I like it here." Not entirely true, but it was more likely to get me the answer I wanted.

"Hmm. What's your name?"

"Seraphine Blacktower."

"Seraphine . . . well, I recently took this place but as you can see beyond me and the cook there isn't anyone else. I could use someone on this bar and serving, if you'd try your hand at it."

Well, that wasn't what I'd expected. Definitely a lot easier than I'd thought it'd be. "Free board and a bit of coin?"

"Something along those lines, if you start after you've eaten that is."

I could do that, wouldn't be the first time I'd worked behind a bar before. Admittedly, the last one had neon lights and more leather than this place, but it couldn't be too hard. "Done."